Writes all the things. Most of the things never write back.
I just read a piece of writing which read, in part, “her flesh hugged her bones.”
And I thought, dear God, I hope so.
It’s 4 a.m. Now I am imagining her flesh having its differences with her bones and deciding to go off on its own.
But that would be a very different story than this one was.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with the way that I was sleeping such that the addition of a pager going off with the dispatch of a rescue call would be an improvement.
Car interior light: “Look at me! I’m helpful! And smart! I stay on after you get out of the car, just in case you need some light! No need to thank me! I live to serve!”
Forty-five minutes later, I go outside with the dog.
Interior light: “Look at me! Still on! Still being helpful!”
Me: “Thanks. You can turn off now, though.”
Interior light: “Oh, it’s no trouble at all! Really!”
Me: “But I’d like you to turn off now. You’re draining the battery.”
Interior light: “I’m keeping the battery company.”
Me: “You’ve both had a long day. You should sleep now.
*open car door*
*flip interior switches at random.*
*nothing happens*
*close car door*
Lights dim, but do not go out.
Eventually, after an unhelpfully long time, the lights go out.
Do you suppose it would have helped if I had read my car a bedtime story? I’ll try that next time.
When you walk into a dark room and you hear
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
You are either in a horror movie and something terrible is going to happen, or there is an old steam train in the room.
Keep listening. If it’s a steam train, sooner or later you’ll hear WOO WOO!
Bourbon? Count me in.
On the rocks with a splash, or
A Manhattan, please.
I just saw accolades for someone whose “astonishing discoveries” “changed most of what we didn’t know” about a subject.
W…what? How could he change what we didn’t know, if we didn’t know it yet for him to change it?
I suspect time travel.
Oh, Autocorrect, you DO amuse me sometimes. When I wrote “at the half” and you inexplicably changed it to “at the gala”? You were just being festive, weren’t you?
I just hear “You Are My Sunshine” in a commercial, and I thought, what if you really WERE my sunshine? They don’t MAKE a sunscreen with SPF high enough for THAT. It sounds lethal.
And so I rewrote the song.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
And next to sunshine
I turn to flame
They make no sunscreen
That can protect me
I am cinders
And you’re the one to blame.
“My opponent is in black and white and moves in slow motion to ominous music.
I am in color, with babies and kittens and folks like you and HAPPY music. Vote for me!
I am just about every person running for office this year, and I approved this message.”
~ Almost every political TV commercial I’m seeing.
The jar of peanut butter I just opened is the BEST jar of peanut butter I’ve opened ALL DAY. And my dog agrees.
I’m Paul Baxter, and I approved of this message.