I am now imagining an Autocorrect for life itself.
Autocorrect: “Skip the clam chowder. Order the crème brûlée.”
Choices
Marry someone you love and who thinks you being a writer’s a good idea.
— Richard Ford
IT FOLLOWED ME HOME. CAN I KEEP IT?
“The stories people tell have a way of taking care of them. If the stories come to you, care for them. And learn to give them away where they are needed. Sometimes a person needs a story more than food to stay alive. That is why we put these stories in each other’s memory.”
Barry Lopez
Snowflake haiku
The snowflakes have joined
Into big wet shaggy gangs
And splat to the ground.
‘Tis the season…
Band-Aids is promoting Band-Aids as a stocking stuffer.
“Merry Christmas!”
“Oh, boy! Band-Aids! I hope I get hurt soon!”
I now want to write a story about unlikely Christmas presents received with improbable – but genuine – enthusiasm.
Bear in mind…
When people ask me to bear something in mind, I am tempted to tell them that my head is full enough as it is, and there’s no room for a bear in there too.
Flesh, meet bones
I just read a piece of writing which read, in part, “her flesh hugged her bones.”
And I thought, dear God, I hope so.
It’s 4 a.m. Now I am imagining her flesh having its differences with her bones and deciding to go off on its own.
But that would be a very different story than this one was.
Fire department emergency pager
There was absolutely nothing wrong with the way that I was sleeping such that the addition of a pager going off with the dispatch of a rescue call would be an improvement.
Dialogue With My Car
Car interior light: “Look at me! I’m helpful! And smart! I stay on after you get out of the car, just in case you need some light! No need to thank me! I live to serve!”
Forty-five minutes later, I go outside with the dog.
Interior light: “Look at me! Still on! Still being helpful!”
Me: “Thanks. You can turn off now, though.”
Interior light: “Oh, it’s no trouble at all! Really!”
Me: “But I’d like you to turn off now. You’re draining the battery.”
Interior light: “I’m keeping the battery company.”
Me: “You’ve both had a long day. You should sleep now.
*open car door*
*flip interior switches at random.*
*nothing happens*
*close car door*
Lights dim, but do not go out.
Eventually, after an unhelpfully long time, the lights go out.
Do you suppose it would have helped if I had read my car a bedtime story? I’ll try that next time.
Steam train or horror movie?
When you walk into a dark room and you hear
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
You are either in a horror movie and something terrible is going to happen, or there is an old steam train in the room.
Keep listening. If it’s a steam train, sooner or later you’ll hear WOO WOO!