The writer paid by the word

How you know a writer is being paid by the word: when he writes something like this –

“Behold us, turned to birds, a prey to the talons of kites, hawks, and falcons! Behold us made companions of water-hens, snipes, goldfinches, woodpeckers, jays, owls, magpies, jackdaws, rooks, starlings, woodcocks, cocks, hens and chickens, turkey-cocks, blackbirds, thrushes, chaffinches, tomtits, jenny-wrens, lapwings, linnets, greenfinches, crossbills, flycatchers, larks, plovers, kingfishers, wagtails, redbreasts, redfinches, sparrows, ducks, fieldfares, woodpigeons and bullfinches!”

(To which the editor replies, “I think we got the point after, oh, the first half-dozen birds listed.”)

(Don’t be) the world’s biggest jackass

Lindsey Graham recently advised “Don’t be the world’s biggest jackass.”

I must admit, there may be better ways to get yourself into the Guinness Book of World Records.

I’m sorry to say that this statement has crowded out all the search results for just how big the world’s biggest jackass is or was. As a result, he remains in obscurity.

Everything they’ve got

“They’re going up against us with everything they’ve got!”

I think I’ll write a story where “They’re going up against us with maybe half of what they’ve got! Give or take ten percent!”

A leap of faith

My horoscope today says “Before you take a leap of faith, be sure you are heading in a direction that is in your best interests.”

This is good advice. As any number of funny animal videos show, if you jump in some random direction, you’re likely to comically crash into something by accident.

Harpy birthday!

Somebody wished me a Harpy Birthday.

Does the female monster in the form of a bird with a human face go away at midnight? She’s making me nervous. Going to sleep seems like the wrong thing to do.