The jar of peanut butter I just opened is the BEST jar of peanut butter I’ve opened ALL DAY. And my dog agrees.
I’m Paul Baxter, and I approved of this message.
Early morning fog
Ever hear the lyrics to The Theme from MAS*H?
“Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize, and then I see…”
THIS is why I avoid early morning fog. And early mornings in general. You never know when there’s going to be fog. I don’t want to take any chances.
Please try again later. [OK]
Watching Doctor Who via Roku. Eight minutes before the end, it stops and says “Service Unavailable. We apologize, but we are unable to fulfill your request at this time. Please try again later. [OK]”
- This is NOT OK.
- If I were a Time Lord, I could go back and put myself in the right time and place to see those eight minutes of the episode when they should be seen, not at some inferior substitute later.
I am not a Time Lord. Not that I am willing to admit publicly yet. Those of you who know the truth, hush.
- Who is “we”? This is a multiple choice exam. No points off for guessing. Is “we”:
a) BBC America
2) Time Warner Cable
III) Roku
100) Doctor freakin’ Who himself?
E) All of the above
6) None of the above
7) There is no 7.
8) There is no 8 either. It disappeared along with the eight minutes of the Doctor Who episode.
(Hint: it’s never All of the Above or None of the Above in a multiple choice exam. Unless it is. This is reality-based, more or less, so use your best judgment. Then again, you’ve wasted valuable moments of your life reading this, so your best judgment is automatically suspect. That entity next to you looks sensible. Ask him, her, or it. It’s not cheating. I’m not looking. Ignore how I knew there was someone or something next to you as evidence to the contrary. It was a lucky guess.)
Gonna need different shoes after this…
When someone says that it would behoove someone to do something, why do they never actually wind up with hooves when they do it?
Apple name-based fiction
The Prairie Spy Malinda rode her horse Melrose to Court Pendu Plat, there to meet with Reverend Morgan and the man who had ruined her life, Lord Lamborne. Not even the lord’s men, the Black Amish, could keep her from stealing the Golden Pearmain with which she would ransom the freedom of her family from the lord’s foul clutches.
“And then I will be free to marry Crown Prince Rudolph,” she said to herself. She’d developed a bad habit of speaking to herself. It was the stress.
She just hoped the prince hadn’t done anything rash in her absence, like marrying that American Beauty of the Bayou, Orleans Rennette. Her father, the ruthless VonZuccalimaglios Rennette, would stop at nothing to see his daughter at the prince”s side.
But Malinda still had a few friends behind the scenes at court – the scullery maid Pixie, the stable boy Oliver, and gentle Merton Russet, the very blacksmith who had shod Melrose. By the time Holiday arrived, she and her family would be free – or dead.
And in the end? They all lived apple-ly ever after.
No monkey on the Supreme Court. YET.
I am going to write a legal thriller about the first simian appointed to the Supreme Court, and I shall call it FIRST MONKEY IN OCTOBER.
Story held hostage
The next time I submit a story, I will include a note demanding payment, or else I start killing adverbs.
Severe weather
I heard another ad on the radio. I think it was for a business selling windows. The ad said “Our area has a lot of severe weather. Hot. Cold. Whatever.”
I’m used to the hot and cold. It’s the whatever that scares me.
“Boy, the weather is really bad outside.”
“What is it doing?”
“I CAN’T EVEN TELL.”
Z
I love the letter Z. Without it, eppelins would sail the skies, while ebras would roam the savannas. And who would ever attend Umba classes?
Save the Snapping Turtle
Some people help little old ladies across the street.
I help baby snapping turtles across the street.
What? It was cute. It was only one inch long. Yes, I know it will grow to be bigger.
Besides, there are more snapping turtles that need help crossing the street around here than little old ladies.