I lay down and closed my eyes, only to feel eight feet on my legs. “Two cats,” I thought,”or an octopus.” I was hoping it was the former. If it was an octopus, I knew I would be getting no sleep tonight.
Déjà vu all over again
Jimmy Fallon starts as host of the Tonight Show tonight. And I know how the first show is going to open.
It’s dark. Someone reaches over and turns on a bedside light. It’s Jay Leno. He’s agitated. He says “Honey, wake up! You won’t believe the dream I just had!” There’s a groan from the other side of the bed. Leno: “Well, don’t you want to hear about it? I dreamed NBC replaced me as host, AGAIN!”
An arm reaches out and turns on the light on the other side of the bed. IT’S JIMMY FALLON, who says, “There, there. It’s all right. It’s just a bad dream. NBC was boneheaded enough to do that once. They wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that again.”
Leno, reluctantly: “I guess you’re right. Good night, Jimmy.”
“Good night, Jay,” Fallon replies, and they both turn out their bedside lights.
Pony up
An ad I just heard on the radio just used the phrase “pony up.”
I know what it means, but I don’t understand it. When was the last time a pony gave you money for anything? According to my horse-owning friends, the cash flow is always the other way.
Close enough.
I am going to write a story where the flawed but lovable victim of a mad scientist’s gene splicing experiment says “I’m sorry. I’m only sorta human.”
My NEXT next book
My next book will be about a Greek woman who drives taxi by day and trains for a marathon by night.
The title will be DEMETER IS RUNNING.
Russian inspirations
I’m writing a new version of Crime and Punishment where all the characters are deer.
I’ll publish it under the name Fyodor Doestoyevsky.
Then I’m going to write a script for a movie where the life story of a famous Russian writer is told by a toy cowboy and spaceman and dinosaur.
Yes. That would be Tolstoy Story.
Nobody seems to think about these details (other than me), and probably for good reason
If the world was my oyster, how would I possibly get enough cocktail sauce to go with it?
Should’ve worn goggles, I guess
When the moon hits MY eye like a big pizza pie, for an instant I realize the whole ‘moon is made of cheese’ thing was true.
When the moon hits my eye like a big pizza pie, I say “OW OW HOT MOLTEN CHEESE OW.”
Recruiting possibilities for the Sith
Hey, how about an evil Sith Ewok? Or a Sith Gungan?
NO ONE WOULD EVER SEE THAT COMING.
Winter storm names
The names I give winter storms are normally muttered under my breath as I’m out shoveling snow.