The snowflakes have joined
Into big wet shaggy gangs
And splat to the ground.
‘Tis the season…
Band-Aids is promoting Band-Aids as a stocking stuffer.
“Merry Christmas!”
“Oh, boy! Band-Aids! I hope I get hurt soon!”
I now want to write a story about unlikely Christmas presents received with improbable – but genuine – enthusiasm.
Bear in mind…
When people ask me to bear something in mind, I am tempted to tell them that my head is full enough as it is, and there’s no room for a bear in there too.
Flesh, meet bones
I just read a piece of writing which read, in part, “her flesh hugged her bones.”
And I thought, dear God, I hope so.
It’s 4 a.m. Now I am imagining her flesh having its differences with her bones and deciding to go off on its own.
But that would be a very different story than this one was.
Fire department emergency pager
There was absolutely nothing wrong with the way that I was sleeping such that the addition of a pager going off with the dispatch of a rescue call would be an improvement.
Dialogue With My Car
Car interior light: “Look at me! I’m helpful! And smart! I stay on after you get out of the car, just in case you need some light! No need to thank me! I live to serve!”
Forty-five minutes later, I go outside with the dog.
Interior light: “Look at me! Still on! Still being helpful!”
Me: “Thanks. You can turn off now, though.”
Interior light: “Oh, it’s no trouble at all! Really!”
Me: “But I’d like you to turn off now. You’re draining the battery.”
Interior light: “I’m keeping the battery company.”
Me: “You’ve both had a long day. You should sleep now.
*open car door*
*flip interior switches at random.*
*nothing happens*
*close car door*
Lights dim, but do not go out.
Eventually, after an unhelpfully long time, the lights go out.
Do you suppose it would have helped if I had read my car a bedtime story? I’ll try that next time.
Steam train or horror movie?
When you walk into a dark room and you hear
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
You are either in a horror movie and something terrible is going to happen, or there is an old steam train in the room.
Keep listening. If it’s a steam train, sooner or later you’ll hear WOO WOO!
Bourbon haiku
Bourbon? Count me in.
On the rocks with a splash, or
A Manhattan, please.
Changing what we don’t know
I just saw accolades for someone whose “astonishing discoveries” “changed most of what we didn’t know” about a subject.
W…what? How could he change what we didn’t know, if we didn’t know it yet for him to change it?
I suspect time travel.
Perhaps it was a gala half?
Oh, Autocorrect, you DO amuse me sometimes. When I wrote “at the half” and you inexplicably changed it to “at the gala”? You were just being festive, weren’t you?