Category: Humor

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Nothing says “Fathers Day” like kale

I’m hearing a story on the radio this morning about how you should show your love for ol’ Dad this Fathers Day by talking with him about how he should quit smoking. Oh, and give him HEALTHY snacks, like fruits and vegetables, rather than those chips he likes.

Yep. Ol’ Dad is gonna love you for that. I’ll go further and suggest that instead of steaks or burgers or ribs, surprise him with a big plateful of kale instead. That will go over well too. While you’re at it, remind him that when he’s eating kale, he doesn’t have to stand outside in the sun by that barbecue grill, so YOU won’t have to remind him of how he’s neglected to put on the SPF 1000 sunblock. Again.

By then Dad will probably want a drink. Probably not a good idea either, Dad. Maybe a kale smoothie instead?

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Emergencies on demand

Hmmm. Just saw an ad where someone said “I just pressed the button, and the emergency arrived within minutes!”

And I’m thinking, wow! A system that summons up emergencies and then delivers them?

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Don’t threaten ME, Major Burger Chain

“If you miss out, you’ll never know how delicious 100% sirloin tastes.”

This is the claim a Major Burger Chain is making in its current ad. But that sounds like a hostage threat to me.

What I want to know is, how are they going to pull this off? It’s actually kind of a grandiose claim unless they have some nefarious plan to deny the rest of the world 100% sirloin after the Major Burger Chain’s limited time promotion is over.

Hey, wait. I’m thinking, new Austin Powers movie. Austen Powers versus the Sirloin Monopoly. An evil megalomaniac holds the world’s supply of sirloin hostage unless his demands are met?

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I’m sure this would be a good idea, somehow

I saw one of those inevitably cheery articles about how to turn yourself into a Morning Person.

“Don’t ever say this: ‘I HAVE to wake up at 5am tomorrow.’

Always say this: ‘I GET to wake up at 5am tomorrow!’ ”

I might as likely stop saying “HELP I’m being stabbed to death by knife-wielding rabid weasels with bad toupees and bloodshot eyes!” and start saying “I GET to be stabbed to death by knife-wielding rabid weasels with bad toupees and bloodshot eyes!”

Actually, I might take my chance with the weasels over the alarm clock.

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Karma and the frogs

It’s a wet night, so there’s more frogs on the road than I’ve seen all spring. I try to avoid hitting frogs as much as I can, but then I started thinking. If you were born a frog due to your past karma, and I hit the frog, would I have freed the frog from its existence so then it would be free to move up a step in its next reincarnation, OR would I be dooming it to be reincarnated yet another time to learn the lessons it had yet to learn as a frog?

This is why I try to avoid hitting frogs, it’s too much responsibility otherwise.

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Friend of the Brand

I see where an expensive watch company has an ad that identifies an actor as a “Friend of the Brand.”

This is a human, of course, not a cow. Cows may have a different perspective on what it means to be a Friend of the Brand.

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Too close to home?

You’ve probably noticed my distaste for inapt figures of speech in writing or in the news. The one that caught my attention today was a news report that said the heroin problem ‘was hitting too close to home.’

Which led me to wonder, would they be satisfied if the problem was JUST a LITTLE further away? If it was JUST FAR ENOUGH AWAY from home?

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Suspended by rain

I saw a report of an entire baseball game suspended by rain.

How do they even do that? I can’t even suspend MYSELF by rain.

Every time I attempt it, I keep falling from the sky. Maybe I need a taller ladder. That must be it.