Writes all the things. Most of the things never write back.
I just read a piece of writing which read, in part, “her flesh hugged her bones.”
And I thought, dear God, I hope so.
It’s 4 a.m. Now I am imagining her flesh having its differences with her bones and deciding to go off on its own.
But that would be a very different story than this one was.
Car interior light: “Look at me! I’m helpful! And smart! I stay on after you get out of the car, just in case you need some light! No need to thank me! I live to serve!”
Forty-five minutes later, I go outside with the dog.
Interior light: “Look at me! Still on! Still being helpful!”
Me: “Thanks. You can turn off now, though.”
Interior light: “Oh, it’s no trouble at all! Really!”
Me: “But I’d like you to turn off now. You’re draining the battery.”
Interior light: “I’m keeping the battery company.”
Me: “You’ve both had a long day. You should sleep now.
*open car door*
*flip interior switches at random.*
*nothing happens*
*close car door*
Lights dim, but do not go out.
Eventually, after an unhelpfully long time, the lights go out.
Do you suppose it would have helped if I had read my car a bedtime story? I’ll try that next time.
When you walk into a dark room and you hear
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
Ch…ch…ch…ch…
You are either in a horror movie and something terrible is going to happen, or there is an old steam train in the room.
Keep listening. If it’s a steam train, sooner or later you’ll hear WOO WOO!
I just saw accolades for someone whose “astonishing discoveries” “changed most of what we didn’t know” about a subject.
W…what? How could he change what we didn’t know, if we didn’t know it yet for him to change it?
I suspect time travel.
Oh, Autocorrect, you DO amuse me sometimes. When I wrote “at the half” and you inexplicably changed it to “at the gala”? You were just being festive, weren’t you?
I just hear “You Are My Sunshine” in a commercial, and I thought, what if you really WERE my sunshine? They don’t MAKE a sunscreen with SPF high enough for THAT. It sounds lethal.
And so I rewrote the song.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
And next to sunshine
I turn to flame
They make no sunscreen
That can protect me
I am cinders
And you’re the one to blame.
“My opponent is in black and white and moves in slow motion to ominous music.
I am in color, with babies and kittens and folks like you and HAPPY music. Vote for me!
I am just about every person running for office this year, and I approved this message.”
~ Almost every political TV commercial I’m seeing.
The jar of peanut butter I just opened is the BEST jar of peanut butter I’ve opened ALL DAY. And my dog agrees.
I’m Paul Baxter, and I approved of this message.
Ever hear the lyrics to The Theme from MAS*H?
“Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize, and then I see…”
THIS is why I avoid early morning fog. And early mornings in general. You never know when there’s going to be fog. I don’t want to take any chances.
Watching Doctor Who via Roku. Eight minutes before the end, it stops and says “Service Unavailable. We apologize, but we are unable to fulfill your request at this time. Please try again later. [OK]”
I am not a Time Lord. Not that I am willing to admit publicly yet. Those of you who know the truth, hush.
a) BBC America
2) Time Warner Cable
III) Roku
100) Doctor freakin’ Who himself?
E) All of the above
6) None of the above
7) There is no 7.
8) There is no 8 either. It disappeared along with the eight minutes of the Doctor Who episode.
(Hint: it’s never All of the Above or None of the Above in a multiple choice exam. Unless it is. This is reality-based, more or less, so use your best judgment. Then again, you’ve wasted valuable moments of your life reading this, so your best judgment is automatically suspect. That entity next to you looks sensible. Ask him, her, or it. It’s not cheating. I’m not looking. Ignore how I knew there was someone or something next to you as evidence to the contrary. It was a lucky guess.)